Maybe you’ve noticed how intolerant our “tolerant plagued” culture is nowadays.
If you say, write, or do something someone strongly disagrees with, then you’re out. Canceled. Unfollowed. Persona non grata.
People will shake their heads, maybe make a nasty comment about how selfish or stupid you are, and then write you off.
We (including me) are inclined to have strong opinions. And social media has created an in-your-face culture where we might post a comment online that we’d never have the nerve to say to a person’s face.
I recently experienced an email assault from someone I’ve never met. They don’t know me, and they have no idea who I am as a person. Not fun.
Tragically, common decency, let alone kindness, is not valued much anymore. Ask anyone if kindness matters and they will say, “Of course it matters; we truly do need a little more kindness in the world.” But then check out their Facebook page and prepare yourself for a shock.
And it’s especially challenging when you are the brunt of someone’s attack.
I understand.
I’m sorry.
It hurts to be rejected.
It’s painful to be treated poorly.
Words do hurt as much as sticks and stones. (I wrote about this sad reality here.)
So, that’s the problem, but what should we do?
How should we live in times such as these?
First, remember that a gentle answer turns away wrath. I’ve thought a lot about what it means to “turn away wrath,” and certainly, it means we can choose to deflect anger rather than intensify it and make things worse. However, to turn away also means we take things in another direction. Perhaps, a kind word in response to a very unkind word will redirect another’s mind and heart.
Second, don’t get sucked into the nasty vortex of negativity. I know how easy it is to go there and return blow for blow. In my experience, however, fighting back just means everyone gets bruised. When did being mean ever help you feel better? We like to call it venting, but it’s more like emotional vomiting, which is never pretty or truly helpful. It’s better to stay on the highroad and bless those who curse you.
Next, and this is tough to do, don’t take it personally (even if it is). As I’ve suggested many times, we are all fractured. We’re all broken. We all—every stinkin’ one of us—bleed on those around us out of our pain and internal struggle.
I am trying to learn to stop and ask myself when someone explodes on me, “What is happening in them right now to cause such an ugly outburst?” Maybe they are having a terrible day. Perhaps something or someone has emotionally abused them and that’s why they’re acting like a wounded animal. What if they are reacting out of fear? Here’s a truth to remember: It’s not always about you or me.
Finally, and this next step can be life-changing; when someone draws a circle to keep you out (i.e., they try to cancel or reject you), draw a bigger circle to enfold them in if at all possible.
Choose to be unoffendable.
Choose to embrace the one yelling at you.
Choose, no matter what, to speak well of the one cursing you.
Choose to love because love is a choice, not just an emotion.
You and I can’t change others or how they treat us, but we have complete control of our choices.
So choose well, and live well.
Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult.
On the contrary, repay evil with blessing,
because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.
1 Peter 3:9 (NIV)
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Thanks Kurt. Though it is difficult to do the right and loving thing in the heat of the moment, hateful speaking and rejecting others is a slippery slope. Those who ‘act out,’ are often avoided and find themselves rejected. (which makes them feel more wretched, more likely to strike out at others, and still at a loss to know how to make it better.) Your reminder that it is not all about us, it’s about what is going on inside of them is helpful.
Good morning, Kay. Thank you for your insights. You are loved!
Thank you Pastor Bubna, this is a timely reminder. I try to remember that when someone has an extreme outburst or harsh response there’s probably more going on. I think, it must be really tough living with so much animosity and pain. I ask myself, “Why would an otherwise rational, calm, caring (add your own adjectives), person act this way?” One, it assumes that there’s more to the person than the outburst right now. Second, it doesn’t have to be accurate right then, but I believe people really do want peace in their lives and so it gives them the benefit of the doubt and can lead them there. Then, genuinely asking someone if they’re ok makes a huge difference and often leads to an opportunity to show caring and love. I like your reminder to choose to be unoffendable. If we get offended it’s a good opportunity for us to work on our own insecurities so we can be more focused on others and get our minds off of ourelves.
I like the idea of asking someone if they are okay. Great suggestion. Thanks, Greg!
Powerful teaching and Amen.
Blessings, Noah! Love you!
Thanks for sharing this Kurt. 2020 has certainly exposed the fault lines in our culture and there are a lot of them erupting in volcanic intensity spewing hurt and anger and rejection in all directions. A lot of it poorly aimed at people who don’t deserve it. I appreciate your blogs with your transparent honesty and practical wisdom filled applications. Have a blessed Advent season.
Thank you, Steve. And you’re right…lots of “fault lines” being exposed. Appreciate you adding to the conversation.