How to have an affair (and ruin everything)

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Affair Couple BANNER

It’s late at night and my phone rings. An old friend is on the line, and the first thing I hear is, “I think I’ve ruined everything . . . I’ve had an affair.”

In a culture gone crazy for sex, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but I always am.

You would be hard pressed to find a television sitcom without sex. Primetime is bombarded with casual sex and illicit affairs. From dramas like Desperate Housewives to Scandal, it seems the new normal is to cheat on your spouse who then cheats on you for revenge.

Estimates of American men involved in extramarital affairs at least once in their lives range from 22% to 75%; estimates for women range from 14% to 60%. Add to that the statistic that 74% of men and 68% of women say they would have an affair if they knew they would never be caught, and it’s obvious this is a big problem in our society!

So let’s take a brief look at the anatomy of an affair and how to have one (if you want to ruin everything).

First, ignore all reasonable and wise boundaries with the opposite sex. Go out for coffee or better yet for lunch or dinner with a co-worker of the opposite sex under the guise of a “working meal.” Spend as much time as you can with this new “friend.”

Second, flirt because it’s fun. It’s best to use lots of flattery as well, and on a regular basis be sure to throw in a well-placed sexual innuendo or joke. With the advent of social media, this is easier than ever to do.

If you’re a woman, show as much skin as you can get away with without appearing to be a loose woman. The low-cut top and the very short skirt work well. Oh, and don’t forget to bend over as much as possible to give the guys a good look at your . . . well, you know.

Guys, make sure you compliment the gal on a regular basis regarding how good she looks, smells, or smiles. Women like to be noticed and crave personal attention (especially if she’s not getting enough kudos from her husband; he’s probably a jerk).

When the accidental physical contact happens or you have the chance for a lingering and full-body hug, take advantage of it, and make sure it’s mutual. Get those pheromones flowing!  Affair Leg 2

Next, as often as possible, share your deepest fears, thoughts, or feelings with the opposite sex. He or she will probably understand you better than your spouse. It is imperative that you create an emotional bond. Most women won’t let any guy into her pants until he’s entered into her heart.

Don’t forget to let your mind go crazy. Fantasize a lot. Imagine what it would be like to be with someone else . . . someone who is fun, exciting, and a little wild. Play with sexual thoughts as much as possible. Our bodies have a way of doing what we allow our minds to be saturated with. And for heaven’s sake, don’t tell anybody! Bringing something like this to the light will make you horribly uncomfortable. You don’t need anyone’s advice; they’ll just try to change your mind or hold you accountable. That’s stupid, right?

Last of all, and this is critical, complain about your spouse to your new friend and compare his or her amazing strengths and qualities to your spouse’s weaknesses as much as possible. That being said, be careful about seeming to be too negative or whining (nobody likes a killjoy).

By the way, when you’re finally ready to practice the wild onion together, rationalize it as true love. You can even spiritualize the experience by telling your new lover how you married the wrong person and how God has now given you the man or woman of your dreams. Pull the God-card to shut up your critics.

If you religiously follow the above suggestions, I can guarantee you “success”; you’ll have an affair in no time. Of course, it will probably cost you your marriage, a lot of money, your peace, your true joy, lots of holidays and priceless moments with your kids, possibly your faith and quite probably the respect and admiration of your family, co-workers, and friends. Be sure to count the cost.

One more fringe benefit, if you stay together with your new “best spouse ever” it’s highly likely that you’ll live in fear of him or her cheating on you someday. After all, they did it once; what’s to keep them from doing it again?

Affair Broken EggCrazy? Yup. But maybe there’s a better way to live . . .

Invest in your marriage with diligence. Stay true to your wedding vows. Delight in the spouse of your youth. Get help early when marital problems arise. Remember that love is a choice more than an emotion.

And if by chance you’ve failed along the way, run to God’s mercy and grace. It’s never too late to be forgiven and restored.


15 We have a high priest who can feel it when we are weak and hurting.

We have a high priest who has been tempted in every way, just as we are. But he did not sin.

16 So let us boldly approach the throne of grace. Then we will receive mercy.

We will find grace to help us when we need it.

Hebrews 4:15-16 (NIRV)

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17 Responses to How to have an affair (and ruin everything)

  1. My ex had an affair after 18 years of marriage. I took accountability for my actions (not enough “couple time” spent while taking care of my mother with Alzheimer’s, mid-way into my masters, and raising four daughters, but it changed my life forever. When you bring a third person into your marriage and it isn’t God, nothing makes sense anymore. I fought like a tiger to keep my marriage but we divorced and he married a much younger woman. Seven years later I am still trying to rebuild what was the equivalent of a bomb going off in my life. People, stop and realize what you are doing to the person who is suppose to be your best friend. Instead of investing time in another person or looking over the fence to see if the grass is greener, invest that time in your spouse! God didn’t intend us to have disposable marriages . . . I learned the hard way. Rejoice in your marriage every day and in every way. Wake up thinking of something wonderful you can do for your spouse. Keep your marriages alive and know how truly blessed you are to have a partner for life.

  2. 7 years ago my husband had an affair and it totally rocked our family’s world.
    He repented, and we put God not only back into our marriage, but head of our marriage. At first I lay all blame at him and God quietly, slowly and tenderly showed me my responsibility in the faltering of our marriage. I chose to take these discoveries to heart and repent as well.

    Because we have been obedient these 7 years, the blessings have outweighed the pain caused me. There is still healing that needs to be done in our family, as the consequences are far-reaching and at times….seem never ending, but our God is bigger than all of this….and that’s what we stand on.

    God has shown me that if I stay in the “why’s”, satan wins because they’ll never be a good enough “why” and satan wants me to stay in that pit.

    So for those who think they are far away from ever having an affair…it’s just one choice away….choose wisely & Godly….

    • Love your statement, “the blessings have outweighed the pain…” — full of grace and truth. Thank you for your transparency.

  3. Great reminder about the grass on the other side. Think about it…mooving to the greener field always means death is near. Ha ha… but it’s true.

    • Someone once said, “the grass you water is the greener grass…so water your marriage!” Thanks for sharing, Darla.

  4. Loved the way you wrote this. My ex did basically each one of those things and he was successful at having an affair. I have a few friends who have been here and one who is still there, particularly in the God brought us together stage.

    People think it is innocent the flirting, the “friendships” and the fun but they don’t realize they are opening a door. There is a moment in that journey that the warning bells go off and you have the choice, the choice to stop and run the other way or the choice to ignore those bells, step into that affair and hurt all the people you have supposedly loved. Someday Kurt I will share my story with you of that moment when every bell rang warning and I ran the other way. Thank you for writing this in the format you did, it was so very worth the read.

  5. Kurt – You have identified this all too well. We are so saddened to have just lost our son in law due to him following this exact pattern. After 7 years in our family, we are picking up the pieces and holding a young family together that he walked out on. God has been so great to all of us as we process this unplanned experience. Our entire family continues to grow with the Lord’s strength and guidance and I now understand the scripture that tells us to count it all joy in the midst of your trials….. Just when anger or sadness sets in; God presents a glorious awareness of how big He is and how He is right here with us to bring us through it together.
    May people who read your blog learn from other’s pain and prevent their life being turned upside down and walking away from God.

    • My heart is broken over stories like your son-in-laws…if people could only see beforehand the devastation that will come in the wake of their poor choices. Like you, grateful for the presence and grace of God in our lives.

  6. Kurt, you’ve unwittingly encouraged me as I seek to fan the flames of our almost-20-year marriage — you know, those days when it’s la-dee-da, just another routine day… you’ve reminded me, “Don’t forget to let your mind go crazy. Fantasize a lot. Imagine what it would be like to…” be in the arms of my husband at the end of a long day. I married a dream! Thank you for the reminder to “Go out for coffee or better yet for lunch or dinner… flirt because it’s fun… and on a regular basis be sure to throw in a well-placed sexual innuendo or joke [those sacred inside innuendos that are especially meaningful as the years add up].” You and Laura taught us many years ago to be students of our spouse. May it always be so!

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